Radiation, Zombies, and Necromancers! Oh My!

My shower is my special place. When I shower I let my mind run loose and start to relax. I'll start thinking about random things and occasionally a gem such as what will soon follow is produced. I assure you that what is to come is merely a product of an over stressed mind accompanied by an overactive imagination and just a hint of realism. Enjoy the show.

While I was washing my hair an interesting question came into my mind...Well, not a question at that moment, more of a one word statement: Radiation. Images of destruction and death filled my mind's eye for a moment before another word flashed into consciousness: Zombies. Stay with me on this one, it's a lot of fun, I promise.

Think about it. An atomic bomb or whatever is dropped, people on and around the site of impact are killed, there are few survivors which have the luck to get suck with radiation poisoning and contaminated food and water. Basically, they're screwed, really screwed. Now onto how zombies fit into all of this nonsense. Obviously the first half of the proceeding set of events would remain the same, the end however, would be quite different. Before continuing I would like to tell all Resident Evil and zombie flick fanatics to shut up, get out of their little fantasy world and try to be a wee bit realistic. Thank you.

Let's start with a definition of what a zombie is and a little background information on how they work. A typical zombie, not the voodoo zombie or anything else, just a plain old reanimated corpse bent on eating any living thing it manages to catch. The only working organ is its brain which is used to send rather primitive signals such as making them want to "eat". Basically all they do is jam food down their throats and into their stomach where it sits until the zombie's little tummy bursts because they can't digest their food. So all this talk about them needing to feed in order to survive is rubbish. The desire to feed oneself is just another primitive instinct that it would seem the zombified brain still controls while all other bodily functions have ceased after the initial expiration.

Now that we've cleared that up, let's continue, shall we? Now, before starting to even write this post I just had to conduct a bit of research of my own because I enjoy educating myself and making others look like morons. Anyway, I searched the web to see if any studies or research had been done as to the effects of radiation received after death. Everything just gave me information on the effects of radiation on live victims and the causes of their death. Nothing I really cared about. So I'll just attempt to apply my previous, though limited, knowledge regarding human anatomy and physiology to pretty much bs my way through this one. Should a zombie come into contact with radiation and become a radioactive zombie (no matter how corny that sounds) there really would be no effects on it. It would just be a walking radiation flavored lollipop. There would be no mutations as radiation affects living cells, eventually killing them off, and a zombie is already dead. The zombiefied brain is alive to some degree, though to what extent is unknown, so one would think that there is a small possibility for a mutation to occur. Once again we must remind ourselves that the undead brain controls very primitive functions so the effects, if any, could very well be unimportant.

Now onto necromancers, hurray! Again we'll start with a small definition as to what a necromancer is. A necromancer is a person who is trained in the arts of both raising the dead and manipulating them. They are also said to be immortal due to their power over death. Taking this immortality into consideration, it would really suck to be a necromancer caught anywhere near an atomic blast. Sure you'd be alive but think about it. There would be a good chance that, although your cells would not perish, they would become mutated due to exposure. Would you really want to live as a giant lump of tumors named Jim? I didn't think so. Normally suicide is not the answer, the same goes in this case. You'd just come back to life to continue your suffering. The only advice I can give you is to learn to get used to it.

The moral of the story is: You'll be all set if you happen to be a zombie, but, if you're a necromancer...Well...Sorry man, better luck next time.